A hilarious tale of mistaken identity, religious fanaticism, and one man’s desperate attempt to convince the world he’s not the Messiah.
In a time of great turmoil and unrest, one man’s life would be forever changed. Brian Cohen, an unassuming Jewish man, finds himself caught up in a series of events that would lead him down a path to becoming the most unlikely of Messiahs. This is the story of Brian’s journey, filled with humor, absurdity, and unexpected twists and turns.
Chapter 1: The Birth of Brian Cohen
It was a dark and stormy night in the small town of Bethlehem. A group of shepherds were huddled together in a field, trying to keep warm as they tended to their sheep. Suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, and a heavenly choir of angels began singing.
The shepherds were terrified, but as the light grew closer, they could see that it was a group of people on foot, carrying a newborn baby. The group approached the shepherds, and one of them spoke.
“We bring you good tidings of great joy,” he said. “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”
The shepherds were stunned. They had heard tales of a Messiah who would come to lead their people to freedom, but they had never imagined they would be the first to hear of his arrival.
Meanwhile, in a small manger in Bethlehem, a Jewish couple named Miriam and Joseph were also experiencing a momentous occasion. Miriam had just given birth to a baby boy, whom they named Brian.
As they gazed at their newborn son, they had no idea of the incredible journey that lay ahead for him.
Years passed, and Brian grew up in a modest home with his parents. He was a curious and intelligent child, always asking questions and seeking knowledge. But despite his inquisitive nature, he remained a relatively normal and unremarkable young man.
It wasn’t until he was in his early twenties that things started to get strange.
One day, while walking through the streets of Jerusalem, Brian stumbled upon a group of people who were gathered around a man named Ben. Ben was known for his fiery sermons, in which he preached about the oppression of the Roman Empire and the need for a Messiah to lead the Jewish people to freedom.
As Brian listened, he found himself agreeing with much of what Ben was saying. But then, to his horror, Ben turned to him and said, “You there! What do you think? Are you the Messiah we’ve been waiting for?”
Brian was taken aback. “Me? No, no, I’m just a regular guy.”
But the crowd had already started to murmur, and before he knew it, they were calling him the Messiah.
Brian tried to protest, but the more he denied it, the more they believed it. Soon, he found himself surrounded by followers, each one more fanatical than the last.
And so, the life of Brian Cohen took a sudden and unexpected turn. He had become the most unlikely of Messiahs, and his journey was just beginning.
Chapter 2: Brian Joins the People’s Front of Judea
Brian had been aimlessly wandering the streets of Judea when he stumbled upon a group of separatists who called themselves the People’s Front of Judea. They were a ragtag group of rebels dedicated to overthrowing the Roman Empire and restoring the glory of their homeland. As Brian watched from a distance, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement and intrigue at the group’s passionate speeches and fiery rhetoric.
Before he knew it, Brian had somehow found himself being ushered into the midst of the group. The members crowded around him, eager to hear his voice and learn what he had to offer. Brian was confused – he had no idea how he had gotten himself mixed up in this mess, and he certainly had no revolutionary aspirations. But he didn’t want to disappoint the crowd, so he decided to play along.
“My fellow revolutionaries,” he began, trying to come up with something inspiring to say. “Today marks a new beginning for our cause. Together, we will fight against the oppressors who have held us down for far too long.”
The crowd erupted into cheers and applause, and Brian was swept up in their enthusiasm. But as he looked around at the motley crew of rebels surrounding him, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of unease. These people were serious about their mission, and he was just a simple Jew who had stumbled into their midst.
Over the next few days, Brian found himself being drawn deeper and deeper into the world of the People’s Front of Judea. He attended secret meetings and strategy sessions, and even began wearing the group’s signature red armband. The other members looked up to him with reverence, believing him to be some sort of Messiah-like figure who would lead them to victory.
It was during one of these meetings that Brian first encountered the group’s leader, a grizzled man named Reg who had a penchant for using acronyms in his speeches. Reg was impressed by Brian’s passion and sincerity, and quickly took him under his wing.
“Welcome to the revolution, Brian,” Reg said, slapping him on the back. “With you on our side, we can’t lose.”
Brian tried to protest, telling Reg that he was just a regular guy, but Reg wouldn’t hear it. To him, Brian was a symbol of hope and change, a Messiah who had arrived to save them from their oppressors.
As Brian became more involved in the group, he found himself increasingly conflicted. On the one hand, he was excited to be part of something bigger than himself. But on the other hand, he knew that he was in way over his head. He had no martial training, no revolutionary experience – he was just a young Jewish man trying to make his way in the world.
To make matters worse, Brian began to attract a following of his own. The other members of the People’s Front looked up to him with admiration, and soon people outside the group began to take notice as well. Rumors spread that Brian was the Messiah, the chosen one who would lead the Jews to victory.
At first, Brian was mortified by these rumors. He knew that he was nothing special, just an ordinary guy caught up in extraordinary circumstances. But the more he tried to deny his supposed Messiahhood, the more people believed in it. Soon, he was dodging crowds of adoring followers wherever he went, surrounded by people who believed that he was their savior.
It was all so ridiculous, so absurd. And yet, despite everything, Brian couldn’t help but feel a sense of excitement and adventure. Maybe he really was meant for something greater than a life of quiet anonymity. Maybe he really was the Messiah, the chosen one who would lead his people to freedom.
Or maybe not. Only time would tell.
Chapter 3: The Sermon on the Mount
Brian had become quite the phenomenon. People from all over the land were flocking to him, hoping to hear him speak and witness his supposed miracles. Brian, however, was growing tired of the attention. On this particular day, he found himself on a hillside surrounded by a large crowd of followers.
“Ladies and gentlemen!” Brian began, raising his arms for emphasis. “Please, calm down. I’m just a regular guy. I’m not a Messiah or anything like that.”
The crowd murmured in confusion, unsure of what to make of this statement.
“Really,” Brian continued. “I’m just a guy who happened to get caught up with some separatists. I don’t have any powers or special abilities.”
“But you healed my brother’s leprosy!” one woman shouted from the crowd.
“I did?” Brian asked, genuinely surprised.
“Yes!” the woman insisted. “You touched him and his skin cleared up right before our eyes!”
“Oh, uh, yeah!” Brian said, remembering the incident in question. “Well, that was… a fluke. I’m certainly no healer.”
The crowd was growing restless. They had come to see a miracle worker, not a regular guy with no special talents.
“Alright, alright,” Brian said, trying to keep the peace. “If you all want to believe in me, I won’t try to stop you. But please, let me talk.”
The crowd settled down somewhat, and Brian took a deep breath.
“I know you all want to hear something inspiring,” he began. “Something that will make you feel like everything is going to be okay. But I’m not really good at that sort of thing.”
The crowd looked at him skeptically.
“Really,” Brian insisted. “I’m more of a joke-teller than a philosopher. So, uh, here’s a little something to… lighten the mood.”
And with that, Brian launched into a bizarre and nonsensical joke that left the crowd scratching their heads.
“Okay, okay,” Brian said, realizing that the joke had not gone over well. “I’ll try to be serious now.”
He cleared his throat.
“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole Messiah thing,” he said. “And I’ve come to the realization that it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, sure, people are nice to you and everything, but it’s a lot of pressure. Plus, there’s the whole crucifixion thing.”
The crowd gasped at the mention of crucifixion.
“Yeah,” Brian said, nodding. “It’s not exactly a job with a lot of job security.”
The crowd looked at each other, unsure of what to make of this strange sermon.
“Look,” Brian said, sensing that he was losing them. “I’m just a guy trying to figure things out. I don’t have all the answers. Hell, I don’t even have one answer. But I think that’s okay. We don’t need all the answers. We just need each other.”
The crowd was silent for a moment, taking in Brian’s words.
“Okay,” Brian said, sensing that he had said enough. “That’s all for today. Thanks for coming.”
The crowd dispersed, murmuring amongst themselves. Brian felt a twinge of guilt as he watched them go.
“Maybe I should have said something more inspiring,” he thought to himself. “But then again, what do I really know?”
And with that, Brian headed back down the hillside, wondering what kind of trouble he would get himself into next.
Chapter 4: The Life of Brian Goes Viral
Brian couldn’t believe what was happening to him. Just a few days ago, he was a nobody, a simple Jewish man trying to make ends meet. But now, he was the talk of the town – the supposed Messiah who could perform miracles and heal the sick. It all started with a small group of separatists who mistook him for a savior figure. But as word spread, more and more people started to believe in him.
At first, Brian was hesitant to embrace his newfound fame. He knew that he wasn’t really a Messiah, and didn’t want to mislead anyone. But as the crowds grew and people started to worship him, he found it harder and harder to resist. He began to enjoy the attention and adulation, even though he knew it was all based on a lie.
Everywhere Brian went, people followed him. They wanted to touch him, talk to him, and be healed by him. He tried to avoid them, but they were relentless. They would camp outside his door, waiting for him to come out. They would follow him to the market, the well, and even the bathroom. It was getting out of control.
One day, while Brian was walking through a crowded street, a blind man approached him. The man was begging for alms, but Brian had no money to give him. Instead, he improvised. He pretended to heal the man, putting his hands on his eyes and saying a few words. The man opened his eyes and started to cry. He could see again!
The news of Brian’s miracle spread like wildfire. The next day, there were even more people following him. They wanted to see him perform another miracle. They wanted to be healed, to be saved, to be touched by the Messiah.
Brian knew he had to do something to stop this madness. He couldn’t go on like this forever. But what could he do? He was just a regular guy, with no special powers or abilities. He couldn’t perform miracles on demand.
As he walked through the streets, surrounded by a sea of people, Brian began to feel trapped. He could barely move, let alone think. He needed a way out.
That’s when he saw a group of Roman soldiers approaching. At first, he was afraid. But then he had an idea. He walked straight up to them, holding his arms out in front of him.
“I surrender!” he shouted.
The soldiers looked at him in confusion. They had no idea who he was or why he was surrendering.
“You surrender?” one of them asked.
“Yes! I’m the Messiah, and I surrender to the Roman Empire!”
The soldiers burst out laughing. They thought he was joking.
“The Messiah?” one of them said. “You don’t look like a Messiah to me. You look like a regular guy.”
“That’s because I am a regular guy!” Brian replied. “I’m not a Messiah. I’m just a Jewish man trying to live my life.”
The soldiers laughed even harder. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing.
“So you’re not a Messiah?” the first soldier said.
“No, I’m not,” Brian replied. “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”
The soldiers shook their heads and walked away, still laughing. Brian breathed a sigh of relief. It was over. He had finally admitted the truth. He wasn’t a Messiah after all.
But as he turned around, he saw that the crowds were still following him. They hadn’t heard his conversation with the soldiers. They still believed he was a savior.
Brian sighed. It seemed that his troubles were far from over. But at least he had taken the first step towards freeing himself from this madness. He had admitted the truth, and that was a start.
As he walked away, surrounded by his followers, Brian couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next. Would they continue to follow him, despite his confession? Or would they turn on him, angry and disappointed?
Only time would tell. But one thing was for sure – the life of Brian was far from over.
Chapter 5: The Trial of Brian Cohen
The Roman governor Pontius Pilate had heard rumblings of a man claiming to be the Messiah stirring up trouble in Judea. He had put off dealing with the issue, but when reports of a large following came in, he knew he had to take action.
Brian Cohen had been enjoying his newfound fame, but he was not prepared for the gravity of the situation he had found himself in. He was brought before Pilate, who was flanked by a group of his loyal soldiers. The governor gave Brian a stern look and said, “So, you’re the Messiah, are you?”
Brian tried to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding, that he was just a regular guy caught up in a strange series of events. But the crowd gathered outside grew louder and more insistent, demanding that Brian be released and allowed to lead them.
Pilate was not amused. “You’re causing quite a stir, you know. I’ve got people calling for your head. I suggest you start giving me some answers.”
Brian was at a loss for what to say. He had never intended to start a movement, and he had certainly never expected to be brought before the most powerful man in the land. He stammered out a few words, trying to explain that he was not a threat to Rome.
But Pilate was not interested in hearing his side of the story. “You’re a troublemaker, a rabble-rouser. Your followers are getting out of hand. I can’t have that kind of unrest in my province. It’s bad for business, you see.”
Brian started to protest, but Pilate raised a hand to quiet him. “I’ve made up my mind. You’re going to be executed, just like any other criminal. And don’t expect any mercy from me.”
Brian felt a wave of panic wash over him. He had never been in this kind of danger before, and he had no idea how to get out of it. As he was led away by the guards, he saw the disappointed and disbelieving faces of his followers.
The trial was a fiasco from the start. People from all over the city had gathered to witness it, and many were openly hostile to the Roman authorities. Brian was brought in chains to the courthouse, escorted by a group of soldiers who were clearly uncomfortable with the situation.
Pilate sat on a raised platform, surrounded by his advisors and a group of dignitaries. He wore the garb of a Roman governor, his armor glinting in the sunlight. Brian, on the other hand, was dressed in rags and looked disheveled and scared.
Pilate began the proceedings by asking Brian to state his name and occupation. Brian replied nervously, “My name is Brian Cohen, and I’m a carpenter.”
This elicited a snicker from one of the onlookers, who shouted, “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!” The crowd erupted into laughter, and Pilate had to bang his gavel to restore order.
The questioning continued, with Pilate trying to establish Brian’s intentions and the extent of his following. Brian tried to explain that he was not a political figure, that he had simply been caught up in a bizarre series of events. But Pilate was not convinced.
“You claim to be the Son of God,” he said in a bored tone. “Is that correct?”
Brian looked incredulous. “No, no, no! I’m just a regular guy. I don’t know how all this happened.”
Pilate turned to his advisors and rolled his eyes. “Typical Messiah behavior. Denial until the bitter end.”
The crowd was growing restless, and Pilate could sense that he needed to make a decision soon. He glanced around the courthouse, and his eyes fell on a group of prisoners in the corner.
“Fine,” he said at last. “We’ll let the people decide. You’ll be released, along with these prisoners. And we’ll see who they choose to set free.”
Brian looked hopeful for a moment, but then he realized what was happening. Pilate was manipulating the situation, trying to make him look bad in front of his followers. He tried to speak up, but the noise of the crowd drowned him out.
The prisoners were brought forward, and Pilate asked the crowd to choose between them and Brian. The atmosphere was tense, with people shouting and pushing each other. The tension reached a fever pitch when someone in the back of the crowd threw a rock, hitting one of the soldiers in the head.
Pilate had had enough. He ordered his guards to take Brian away, back to his cell. He would deal with the situation later, when things had calmed down.
As they were escorted out, Brian looked back at the chaos he had unwittingly caused. He felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, knowing that things had gone horribly wrong. He wondered if he would ever be able to recover from this.
Chapter 6: The Crucifixion of Brian Cohen (Sort Of)
Brian couldn’t believe what was happening to him. He had been taken captive by the Roman soldiers and had been subjected to a series of ridiculous questions about his supposed Messiahhood. To make matters worse, his followers were outside, chanting and causing a ruckus.
Finally, the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, had enough. He sentenced Brian to be crucified. Brian was terrified, but he knew that he had to face his punishment like a man. He was led out to the place of execution and was strapped to the wooden cross.
As the soldiers prepared to drive the nails into his flesh, something strange happened. They realized that they had made a mistake. Brian was not the right person. Someone else was supposed to be crucified that day. The soldiers were mortified. They didn’t know what to do.
Brian was relieved, but he couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. After all, if he was going to be crucified, he wanted to at least go out in a blaze of glory. Instead, he was just a victim of mistaken identity.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to him. He could use this situation to his advantage. He could pretend that he had been resurrected from the dead. He could claim that he had performed a miracle and had come back to life. It was the perfect plan.
As the soldiers unstrapped him from the cross, Brian began to moan and groan. He pretended to be in pain and agony. The soldiers were convinced that he was dead. They put his body in a tomb and sealed it shut.
Meanwhile, outside, Brian’s followers were growing restless. They were wondering what had happened to their Messiah. They demanded answers. Finally, one of the soldiers came out and told them that Brian had died on the cross.
The news was devastating. Brian’s followers were heartbroken. They had believed in him with all their hearts, and now he was gone. They began to weep and wail, mourning their loss.
But then something miraculous happened. The ground beneath them began to shake. The tomb where Brian had been buried suddenly burst open, and out stepped the man himself.
Brian’s followers were overjoyed. They couldn’t believe their eyes. It was a miracle. Or was it?
Brian had actually taken a sedative that had put him into a deep sleep. When he woke up, he had simply opened the tomb and stepped out. It wasn’t really a miracle at all.
But his followers didn’t know that. They saw what they wanted to see. They believed in the resurrection of Brian Cohen, and nothing could convince them otherwise.
The news of Brian’s resurrection spread like wildfire. People came from far and wide to see the man who had supposedly come back from the dead. Brian was suddenly more popular than ever before.
But he couldn’t handle the attention. He was tired of being a Messiah. He just wanted to be a regular guy again. So he came up with another plan.
He would pretend to ascend into heaven. He would disappear into the clouds, leaving his followers behind. It was a risky move, but it was the only way to get away from the craziness that had become his life.
And so, one day, Brian led his followers up a hill. He stood at the top, surrounded by a crowd of people, and raised his arms to the sky. And then, he disappeared.
His followers were bewildered. They didn’t know what to do. But Brian was long gone. He had slipped away quietly, leaving behind his cloak and sandals.
And so ended the life of Brian Cohen. He had been a Messiah, a martyr, and a miracle worker. But in the end, he was just a regular guy who wanted to live a normal life. And that’s exactly what he did.
Chapter 7: Brian’s First Miracle
Brian Cohen had always been an average guy, but ever since his accidental rise to Messiah status, he had been plagued by requests for miracles. People wanted him to heal the sick, feed the hungry, and perform other impossible feats. Brian was tired of constantly disappointing his followers, so he decided to try his hand at performing a miracle.
He gathered a group of people in a small square in Jerusalem and cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am not the Messiah,” he began, “but I will attempt to perform a miracle for you today.” The crowd murmured excitedly, eager to see what Brian could do.
Brian closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to channel some sort of divine power. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and looked down at his feet. “Behold!” he shouted, pointing to a small patch of dirt. “I have turned this dirt into cheese!”
The crowd stared at him in confusion. “Cheese?” someone asked.
“Yes!” Brian exclaimed. “Go ahead, try some!” He scooped up a handful of the dirt and popped it into his mouth. “Mmm, delicious!” he said, trying to convince the crowd that the dirt really was cheese.
The people in the crowd looked at each other skeptically, but a few of them tentatively reached down and picked up some of the dirt. To their surprise, it really was cheese. They tasted it and found that it was surprisingly tasty.
“Wow!” someone shouted. “This really is a miracle!” The crowd erupted into cheers, and Brian was suddenly surrounded by people clamoring for him to perform more miracles.
Brian was elated – he had finally done something that impressed his followers. But he was also a little scared. He had no idea how he had managed to turn dirt into cheese, and he wasn’t sure if he could do it again.
As he walked back to his apartment, he wondered if he should try to perform another miracle. Maybe he could turn water into wine, like Jesus had done. Or maybe he could walk on water, like Peter had done. But he was afraid to try – what if he failed?
He spent the next few days practicing, trying to figure out how he had turned the dirt into cheese. He experimented with different types of dirt, different hand motions, and different mantras. But no matter what he did, he couldn’t re-create the miracle.
Finally, he decided to try again in public. He rented out a large auditorium and invited all of his followers. When he took the stage, he closed his eyes and focused his mind. He felt the familiar rush of energy flowing through him, and he knew that he was on the verge of another miracle.
But when he opened his eyes, he realized that he had made a terrible mistake. Instead of turning the dirt below his feet into anything, he had accidentally turned himself into a giant cheese wheel.
The crowd gasped in horror as Brian stumbled around on stage, trying to regain his balance. “I’m sorry!” he shouted, “I didn’t mean for this to happen!” But it was too late – he was now the laughingstock of Jerusalem.
As Brian rolled out of the auditorium, he couldn’t help but feel discouraged. Maybe he wasn’t meant to be a Messiah after all. But as he wandered through the streets, he heard people talking about his latest miracle. Despite the fact that it had gone horribly wrong, they were still impressed by his power.
Brian couldn’t believe it. He had unintentionally turned himself into a cheese wheel, and yet people were still worshiping him. Maybe being a Messiah wasn’t about performing miracles, he thought. Maybe it was about making people believe that anything was possible.
Chapter 8: The End of the Life of Brian
Brian stood atop a hill, surrounded by his devoted followers who were waiting for him to ascend into heaven. He had been trying to get away from them for weeks, but they had followed him everywhere he went. They had even set up a tent city below the hill, complete with food vendors and souvenir stands.
Brian took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He had no idea what he was going to do, but he knew he had to get away from these people. Suddenly, he had an idea.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, raising his arms. “I am about to ascend into heaven.”
The crowd erupted in applause and cheers.
“But first,” Brian continued, “I must perform one more miracle.”
The crowd fell silent, watching as Brian picked up a small rock from the ground.
“I am going to make this rock disappear,” he declared.
He closed his eyes and pretended to concentrate. After a moment, he opened them again.
“Ta-da!” he shouted, holding up the rock. “It’s gone!”
The crowd erupted into cheers and applause once again.
Brian smiled, relieved that his plan had worked. He raised his arms again, preparing to take his leave.
“Goodbye, my followers,” he said, his voice choked with emotion. “May you all live happy lives.”
He closed his eyes and started to rise up into the air, as if being lifted by an invisible force. The crowd was awestruck, watching as their beloved Messiah ascended into the heavens.
But in reality, Brian was being lifted by a group of Monty Python’s famous “flying circus” performers, who had made a surprise cameo in the story.
As Brian ascended, the members of the flying circus started playing musical instruments, creating a triumphant and uplifting symphony. The crowd below watched in amazement, completely unaware of what was really going on.
Brian and the flying circus performers disappeared into the clouds, leaving the crowd staring up into the sky in wonder.
As they walked back down the hill, one of Brian’s former followers turned to his friend and said, “Well, I guess that’s it then. The Messiah has ascended into heaven.”
His friend shook his head. “No, my friend,” he said. “The Messiah was just a really funny guy.”
The two of them laughed and walked away, leaving the tent city and souvenir stands behind.
As the sun set on Judea, Brian and the flying circus performers landed safely on the other side of the hill. They high-fived each other, laughing and joking about the ridiculousness of the whole situation.
“Well, that was certainly an adventure,” Brian said, wiping sweat from his forehead.
“You’re telling me,” one of the flying circus performers replied. “I’ve never had to play the tambourine while flying before.”
They all laughed, happy that the whole mess was finally over.
Brian looked out at the sunset, feeling a wave of relief wash over him.
“Life is strange, isn’t it?” he said.
The flying circus performers nodded in agreement.
“But it’s always interesting,” one of them said.
Brian smiled, feeling grateful for the strange and unexpected journey he had been on.
“Indeed it is,” he said.
And with that, Brian Cohen, the not-really Messiah, walked off into the sunset, ready for whatever strange twists and turns life would throw his way next.
Some scenes from the movie Life of Brian written by A.I.
EXT. JUDEAN MANGER – NIGHT
A small group of shepherds huddle around a manger, gazing at the newborn baby inside. We hear cries from the baby and the shepherds look on in wonder.
INT. JUDEAN MANGER – NIGHT
BRIAN COHEN lies in the manger, wrapped in a blanket. His mother MIRIAM COHEN is beside him, crying tears of joy.
My little Brian, you are a gift from God.
Suddenly, the door bursts open and BRIAN’S FATHER, JACOB COHEN, storms in.
Miriam, what have you done? We can’t afford another mouth to feed!
But Jacob, this is our son. We will make it work.
Fine. But I hope you know what you’re doing.
EXT. JUDEAN TOWN – DAY
BRIAN COHEN, now a grown man, walks through the bustling streets of Judea. He is dressed in simple robes and looks like any other young Jewish man.
I wonder what the day will bring.
Suddenly, a group of SEPARATISTS run past him, shouting and causing a ruckus. Brian tries to avoid them, but accidentally bumps into their leader.
Hey, watch it!
I’m sorry, I was just trying to…
Wait a minute…you look familiar. Are you the Messiah?
What? No, I’m just Brian.
Please, we need a leader to fight against the Romans. Will you join us?
I don’t know…
Great! You can come to our meeting tonight and we’ll talk more.
The Separatist Leader runs off and Brian is left standing in the middle of the busy street, unsure of what just happened.
INT. SEPARATIST HIDEOUT – DAY
BRIAN enters the dimly lit hideout, looking for a place to hide from the Romans who are searching the area.
Oh, thank goodness, a place to hide!
Suddenly, a group of armed separatists burst into the room, pointing their weapons at Brian.
Who are you and what are you doing here?
I’m just looking for a place to hide from the Romans. I’m not one of them, I swear!
(raising his weapon)
We don’t believe you! You could be a Roman spy!
One of the separatists steps forward and recognizes Brian.
Wait a minute, I know him! That’s the guy we saw walking on water the other day!
The other separatists are suddenly convinced and begin to worship Brian.
He must be the Messiah!
Brian, realizing he has stumbled into a group of religious fanatics, tries to quietly leave the room but is stopped by the Separatist Leader.
We need you to lead us in our fight against the Romans! You have been blessed with powers beyond our comprehension!
Powers? What powers? I can’t even walk on water!
The Separatist Leader holds up his hand to quiet the other separatists.
You may not believe in yourself, but we believe in you. You are the Messiah!
The separatists cheer as they follow Brian out of the hideout and into the streets where they begin to preach his supposed powers to anyone who will listen.
Brian, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out how he can escape this crazy situation he’s stumbled into.
Scene 3: Sermon on the Mount
INT. A HILL – DAY
Brian stands at the top of a hill, looking out over a sea of people gathered below him. He takes a deep breath, trying to steel himself for what’s to come.
BRIAN: (to himself) You can do this. You’re not a Messiah. Just a regular guy.
A man in the crowd shouts out to him.
MAN: What are you going to say to us, Messiah?
Brian gulps and clears his throat.
BRIAN: (hesitantly) Well, I was thinking I might tell a joke or two.
The crowd murmurs amongst themselves, confused.
MAN: What kind of Messiah tells jokes?
BRIAN: (defeated) I’m not really a Messiah, you know. I’m just a guy.
The crowd doesn’t seem to believe him.
WOMAN: But you’ve performed miracles! You turned water into wine!
BRIAN: (exasperated) No, I didn’t! That was someone else!
A man in the crowd pulls out a loaf of bread.
MAN: Well, can you at least make this bread multiply?
Brian rolls his eyes and takes the bread from him.
BRIAN: (sarcastically) Sure thing.
He makes a big show of concentrating, then hands the bread back to the man.
BRIAN: There you go. It’s multiplied.
The man looks at the bread, then back at Brian.
MAN: I don’t see any difference.
BRIAN: (shrugs) Well, there you go then. I’m not a magician.
The crowd starts to get restless, some of them starting to murmur amongst themselves.
WOMAN: He’s not really the Messiah, is he?
MAN: I don’t know. Maybe we should find someone else to follow.
Brian starts to back away from the edge of the hill, realizing that this isn’t going to end well.
BRIAN: (to himself) Note to self – never try to convince people you’re the Messiah.
He disappears from view as the crowd starts to disperse.
INT. MARKETPLACE – DAY
Brian and his followers are walking through the bustling marketplace. They are surrounded by vendors selling everything from fruits and vegetables to pottery and textiles.
(to his followers)
I’m telling you, I’m not the Messiah. Can’t you see that?
But you healed my sister’s blindness!
And you turned water into wine at the wedding!
(thinking for a moment)
Well, I suppose that’s just a coincidence.
Suddenly, a group of Roman soldiers marches through the marketplace, clearly on a mission.
ROMAN SOLDIER 1
(to his companions)
Search every stall. The Messiah could be hiding anywhere.
(pointing at Brian)
That’s him! The Messiah!
Brian looks around frantically, trying to find a way to escape. Suddenly, a group of separatists emerges from the crowd, weapons drawn.
This way, Messiah!
The separatists escort Brian and his followers through a maze of alleys and backstreets, with the Romans hot on their trail.
Where are you taking us?
Our secret hideout. We’ll keep you safe there.
The group finally arrives at a rundown building on the outskirts of town. As they enter, Brian looks around, taking in the various weapons and maps of the city that adorn the walls.
I don’t know about this. I’ve never been much of a fighter.
Don’t worry, Messiah. We’ll teach you everything you need to know.
INT. ROMAN PALACE – DAY
PONTIUS PILATE sits on his throne, surrounded by his advisors. He looks troubled.
PONTIUS PILATE: Gentlemen, we have a problem. There’s a man in our midst who is causing quite a stir.
ADVISOR 1: Who is he, sir?
PONTIUS PILATE: His name is Brian Cohen. And he’s been labeled as the Messiah by his followers.
ADVISOR 2: The Messiah? That’s ridiculous.
PONTIUS PILATE: I agree. But that hasn’t stopped him from amassing a significant following. We need to do something about this, before it gets out of hand.
ADVISOR 3: Perhaps we should have him arrested?
PONTIUS PILATE: No, that would only make things worse. We need to discredit him in the eyes of his followers. Any ideas?
ADVISOR 1: We could stage a public debate between him and a respected rabbi. If he loses, his followers might start to see him as a fraud.
PONTIUS PILATE: Excellent idea. Arrange it immediately.
INT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
A large crowd has gathered, waiting to see the debate between BRIAN COHEN and the respected RABBI.
RABBI: Mr. Cohen, you claim to be the Messiah. Yet you have not fulfilled any of the prophesies in our scriptures. How do you explain this?
BRIAN COHEN: (nervously) Well, you see, Rabbi, I never claimed to be the Messiah. It’s all been a misunderstanding.
The crowd murmurs in confusion.
RABBI: (smiling smugly) Then why do so many people follow you? Why do they think you’re the Messiah?
BRIAN COHEN: (hesitantly) I don’t know. Maybe they’re just looking for someone to lead them.
The Rabbi nods in satisfaction, and the crowd starts to disperse.
PONTIUS PILATE watches from a distance, disappointed.
PONTIUS PILATE: (to his advisors) This isn’t going to work. We need something bigger.
ADVISOR 2: Maybe we could have him arrested after all? He’s committed some kind of crime, hasn’t he?
PONTIUS PILATE: (considering) Yes. That could work. We’ll frame him for something. But what?
ADVISOR 3: Perhaps we could plant evidence on him, and accuse him of being part of the separatist movement?
PONTIUS PILATE: Brilliant. Do it.
INT. BRIAN COHEN’S HOME – NIGHT
Brian is sitting in his living room, surrounded by his followers. Suddenly, the door bursts open and ROMAN SOLDIERS swarm in, dragging Brian away.
FOLLOWER 1: What’s going on? Why are they taking him?
ROMAN SOLDIER: He’s been accused of conspiring against Rome.
FOLLOWER 2: That’s ridiculous. He’s not capable of such a thing.
The soldiers ignore the protests and drag Brian out of the room.
EXT. THE PALACE – DAY
Brian is brought before PONTIUS PILATE, who looks smug.
PONTIUS PILATE: Mr. Cohen. We have evidence that you are part of the separatist movement. You’re going to be executed for your crimes against Rome.
Brian’s followers are gathered outside the palace, protesting and shouting.
BRIAN COHEN: (defeated) I…I didn’t do anything wrong.
PONTIUS PILATE: (coldly) It doesn’t matter. You’re a threat to our authority, and we can’t have that.
The soldiers lead Brian away, as his followers cry out in despair.
FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE: THE LIFE OF BRIAN
EXT. JUDEA – DAY
Brian walks through the town, trying to avoid his followers who are constantly hounding him. Suddenly, he is grabbed by two Roman soldiers and dragged to the courthouse.
INT. COURTHOUSE – DAY
Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor, is waiting for Brian. He is flanked by his guards and a group of Roman officials.
Brian Cohen, you stand accused of crimes against the Roman Empire. How do you plead?
I don’t even know what you’re talking about!
Do not play dumb with me. You have been stirring up trouble in this town and we cannot allow it to continue.
I’m not trying to cause trouble! I just want to live my life.
That’s not good enough. You will be punished for your crimes.
Brian is led outside to a courtyard where a group of Roman executioners are waiting. They take him to the cross and begin to hammer nails into his hands and feet.
Wait! There’s been a mistake! I’m not the one you want!
The executioners pause and look at each other, confused.
What do you mean?
(pointing to a nearby hill)
That’s him! He’s the Messiah!
The executioners look up and see a man walking towards them. They quickly switch out the crosses and put the other man on the one meant for Brian.
You’re free to go.
Brian rubs his wrists and ankles, relieved.
Thank you! Thank you so much!
As he walks away, he turns to the executioners and addresses them.
I tell you what, though. If I ever meet the man who was actually crucified today, I’ll be sure to buy him a drink.
The executioners chuckle as Brian disappears into the crowd.
INT. BRIAN’S ROOM – DAY
Brian is sitting on his bed, deep in thought. He looks up at the ceiling and lets out a heavy sigh.
BRIAN: (to himself) How did I get into this mess?
Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.
BRIAN: (cont’d) Come in.
The door opens and in walks Judith, one of Brian’s followers. She looks worried.
JUDITH: Brian, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
BRIAN: What’s wrong?
JUDITH: It’s the people. They’re starting to lose faith. They want to see a miracle.
BRIAN: (sarcastic) Great. Just what I need. More pressure.
JUDITH: (pleading) Please, Brian. You have to do something. Show them that you really are the Messiah.
Brian sighs and nods his head. He knows that he has to do something to keep his followers from abandoning him.
BRIAN: Fine. I’ll try.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
A large crowd of people has gathered in the town square. They’re all eagerly awaiting Brian’s miracle.
BRIAN: (to himself) Okay, Brian. You can do this. Just think positive thoughts.
Brian closes his eyes and tries to concentrate. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows through the square, knocking over several market stalls.
The crowd starts to murmur amongst themselves, but Brian remains focused.
BRIAN: (cont’d) Come on, Brian. You can do better than that.
Just then, a dove lands on Brian’s shoulder. The crowd gasps in amazement.
BRIAN: (surprised) Whoa.
Brian looks up at the sky and smiles.
BRIAN: (cont’d) I guess that counts as a miracle, right?
The crowd erupts into cheers and Brian is lifted onto their shoulders.
JUDITH: (smiling) I knew you could do it, Brian.
BRIAN: (grinning) Yeah. Me too.
INT. BRIAN’S ROOM – NIGHT
Brian is lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling.
BRIAN: (to himself) I can’t keep doing this. I’m not the Messiah. I’m just a regular guy.
Suddenly, there’s a flash of light and a booming voice echoes through the room.
VOICE: Brian, you are the Messiah. You have been chosen to lead your people to salvation.
Brian looks around, confused.
BRIAN: (to himself) What the hell was that?
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Brian is surrounded by his followers, all eagerly waiting for his next miracle.
BRIAN: (to himself) I can’t keep this up. I have to tell them the truth.
Brian takes a deep breath and steps forward.
BRIAN: (to the crowd) Listen, everyone. I have something to tell you.
The crowd falls silent, waiting for Brian’s next words.
BRIAN: (cont’d) I’m not the Messiah. I’m just a regular guy.
The crowd looks shocked and confused.
BRIAN: (cont’d) I’m sorry for leading you all on like this. But the truth is, I can’t save you. Only you can save yourself.
The crowd starts to murmur amongst themselves, unsure of what to do.
JUDITH: (stepping forward) Brian, what are you saying?
BRIAN: (shaking his head) I’m saying that I’m not the Messiah. I never was.
The crowd starts to disperse, looking disappointed.
Brian watches them go, feeling guilty and ashamed.
BRIAN: (to himself) What have I done?