“An absurdly divine comedy, where Earth’s last hope lies in the hands of prophets…from New Jersey!”
Watch the original version of Dogma
Prologue: “Predestined Paradox”
In the realm where time and space intertwine, where the celestial and terrestrial merge, an insidious plan was afoot. The gilded gates of Heaven harbored a scandalous secret, a secret that threatened everything – existence, armageddon, redemption. Fallen angels, Loki and Bartleby, banished for eternity for their insurrection, had found a loophole, a chance to return home. The flutter of their once majestic, now tattered wings, echoed across the empty hallways of purgatory, resonating with their longing for redemption. However, their return bore a paradoxical potential; it could undo existence itself. It was a cosmic joke of the highest order – a twist no one saw coming. A twist that was paradoxically, both hilarious and horrifying, setting the tone for the adventures that lay ahead.
Chapter 1: “Heavenly Apparitions”
Bethany was an ordinary woman living a profoundly ordinary life in New Jersey. Unbeknownst to her, the late 20th century would hurl an extraordinary destiny her way. Her features were often cinched in a frown, the lines on her forehead deepened by the disillusionment with her mundane existence. A workaholic, borderline alcoholic, she found no solace in her faith, a faith she once held dear.
One such weary night, as she stumbled into her modest, cluttered home, a strange light filled her living room. A perplexing figure emerged, radiating a divine aura. The figure introduced himself as Metatron, the seraph, the Voice of God. His shimmering eyes held the weight of centuries, eyes that had seen kingdoms rise and fall, civilizations birthed and extinct. But it wasn’t the imposing presence that threw Bethany off, but his loud, purple suit and boisterous demeanor. “God has a sense of humor,” he quipped, dispelling her disbelief with a hearty laugh.
Simultaneously, in a neglected corner of Wisconsin, two displaced angels were hatching an audacious scheme. Loki, the Angel of Death, and his companion Bartleby, once a Watcher, were banished for their celestial insubordination. They were confined to spend eternity in a place devoid of divinity. However, they had discovered a loophole in Catholic doctrine, promising absolution to who enters a specific church in New Jersey, which could potentially allow their return to Heaven.
Back in New Jersey, Bethany blinked rapidly, attempting to process Metatron’s words. “You are the last Scion,” he announced, fixing her with a penetrating gaze. “Last of Christ’s lineage, destined to stop the angels and save existence.” Bethany choked on her drink, her bewildered mind juggling between panic and laughter.
Unseen to them, two rogue prophets watched from the shadows, Jay and Silent Bob. They were directed by heaven to guide Bethany, although they were more interested in scoring joints and cracking jokes. Their appearance hardly screamed “prophetic,” with their ratty clothes, messy hair, and a fondness for expletives. Little did Bethany know, these questionable prophets, a seraph in a purple suit, and her humble self were humanity’s last hope against an apocalypse that promised to be as ridiculous as it was terrifying.
As the shadows lengthened, and New Jersey slept, unaware of the celestial chessboard laid across it, the eternal war between Good and Evil began brewing a storm. A storm that may as well be thwarted by a band of misfits, cynics, and innocents. The gales of laughter, suspense, and adventure were about to sweep readers into a whirlwind of divine comedy and high-stake battles. The adventures of Bethany and her motley crew had just begun.
Chapter 2: “Apostles in the Alleyway”
In the heart of New Jersey, under the shadow of dilapidated buildings and the neon glow of a grimy liquor store sign, two unconventional ‘prophets’ resided. Jay and Silent Bob, local slackers and perennial mischief-makers, were an unanticipated addition to the grand cosmic play that was about to unfold.
Jay was a skinny, profanity-spewing rake with a zesty zest for life. Silent Bob, with his bulky and placid appearance, evoked the sense of an incurable laidbackness. He was, as his moniker implied, a man of very few words. These two, bewildering as their antics often were, were to act as the guides for our divine quest.
Meanwhile, Bethany, despite the peculiar vision of an angel, continued to battle with her cynicism. The mundane monotony of her existence, compounded by her faltering faith, had left her vulnerable and skeptical. Even though the radiant figure in her vision was startlingly real, she was unsure whether to trust the angel Metatron’s directions. When she was told about her holy mission and her guides, the irreverent Jay and Silent Bob, her disbelief soared.
As if preordained, she ran into these blithe spirits in an alleyway. Their initial interaction was rife with hilarious confusion and incredulity. Jay’s bold, humorous and often raunchy declarations were offset by Silent Bob’s stoic silence and periodic non-verbal gestures. Their peculiar behavior engendered a sense of unpredictability, keeping Bethany, and assuredly, the readers, on their toes.
Yet, amidst the laughs and gaffes, there was an underlying air of secrecy. This chapter was pivotal in weaving the threads of fantasy, adventure, and comedy together. The characters began to interact and understand each other, contributing to the burstiness of the narrative. Their individual idiosyncrasies added a level of complexity, engaging readers in a web of humor and intrigue.
One of the subtle hints which complicated the plot was a strange mark on Silent Bob’s wrist. He seemed to dismiss it as a consequence of an unfortunate altercation with a nail gun. But the mark was eerily similar to one that Metatron displayed, hinting at a divine connection.
Their journey through New Jersey was fraught with comedic run-ins with locals and absurd discussions about Heaven, God, and the nature of faith. The prophets, despite their bizarre ways, showed Bethany the larger mystical reality hidden within the mundane world. They instilled in her a sense of purpose and a glimmer of faith, reminding readers about the innate magic of believing.
Amidst the laughs, debates, and misadventures, the surreal encounter with the seraphim Metatron provided an unexpected climax to the chapter. Metatron, with his quirky wisdom, engaged the group with tales of the celestial realm, tickling their curiosity, and humoring them with his wit. This encounter underscored the theme of the story—faith and humor can coexist and make the journey of life an exciting adventure.
By the end, Bethany, along with her unconventional guides, embarked on a mission to avert the impending celestial catastrophe. The die was cast. The stage was set. The dance between Good and Evil was about to begin—right in the heart of New Jersey.
Chapter 3: “Divine With a Dash of Drollery”
Having established the unlikely band of celestial warriors in the earlier chapters, the narrative now shifted to the adventure itself. Here, the fantastical absurdity of the divine weaved humorously into the mundane reality of New Jersey, striking the perfect balance between comedy and adventure.
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob, with the seraphim Metatron, prepared to embark on their mission. Yet, before they could formulate a strategy, an unexpected encounter threw their plan into disarray. Azrael, an angel demoted to demonic status for refusing to take sides in Lucifer’s rebellion, arrived with his motley crew of minions.
The minions were a bizarre sight to behold, even for the most jaded New Jerseyan. They were grotesque yet comical hockey players, fully clad in crimson uniforms, brandishing hockey sticks like warriors ready for battle. A peculiar mix of the sinister and the ludicrous, the sight of them sent the narrative plunging into the depths of sardonic comedy.
Azrael, their leader, was the epitome of the disgruntled middle manager of the supernatural world. His bureaucratic irritability for his demotion radiated off him like a gloomy aura, providing comedic contrast to his intimidating presence. The interplay between Azrael’s moroseness and his minions’ absurd antics added to the burstiness of the narrative.
The ensuing showdown between the two groups was one for the ages. Bethany, despite her initial disbelief and fear, found herself rallying. Jay and Silent Bob, in their comical naivety, charged headlong into the conflict, their seeming aloofness masking their dedicated loyalty to their new celestial family.
As Azrael and his minions attacked, the absurdity of the scene unfolded rapidly. Jay and Silent Bob wielded whatever makeshift weapons they could find, their every move punctuated by slapstick humor and wry, streetwise quips. The seraphim Metatron, despite his divine nature, seemed more inclined to offer sarcastic commentary than assistance, his dry wit bringing laughter during the tensest moments.
Bethany, however, was the true revelation. She discovered an inner strength and a divine connection that she hadn’t even known she possessed. As she fended off the minions and Azrael, her transformation from cynical worker to divine warrior was a burst of dramatic intensity amidst the comedic chaos.
In a twist of heavenly humor, the battle ended not with divine power but with earthly charm. Jay, in a surprising show of wit, challenged the demons to a hockey match. As the group looked on in stunned disbelief, Azrael, in his bureaucratic rigidity, agreed.
Leveraging Jay’s street-smart hustle and Silent Bob’s unpredictable manoeuvers, the group managed to win. With their victory, Azrael and his minions conceded defeat, disappearing in a burst of divine light, leaving behind a dazed but determined group of warriors, ready to face whatever the adventure had for them next.
Throughout the narrative, the clash between the heavenly and the earthly, the divine and the human, the serious and the comical, created a compelling story. The characters’ resilience and humor, against the backdrop of reality and fantasy, paved the way for an unpredictable journey. The chapter’s blend of comedy, fantasy, and adventure promised a narrative full of unexpected twists and turns, leaving the reader eagerly anticipating the adventures yet to unfold.
Chapter 4: “Muse and Melodies”
The group of rather unlikely crusaders, consisting of Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, and Rufus, found themselves standing outside a fluorescent-lit strip club, now supposedly the abode of a muse. Bethany raised a skeptical eyebrow, the irony not lost on her. However, she realized by now that disbelief was not an option in this absurd cosmic play.
Upon entering the establishment, the noise and garish colors were a stark contrast to the serene suburban scene outside. The thumping music and excited chatter masked their heavy conversation. They settled at a corner booth, waiting for the act to finish. Bethany’s anxiety was palpable, but Jay and Silent Bob’s humorous quips kept the atmosphere light.
Suddenly, a hush fell over the crowd. Spotlight on stage illuminated the form of a woman who appeared to be the embodiment of divine grace in human form. Her name was Serendipity. As she moved with an almost ethereal rhythm, Jay turned to Bethany, “Who would’ve thought we’d find heaven in a place like this?” His smirk was contagious, making even the tense Bethany crack a smile.
Post her performance, Serendipity approached their table, recognizing Rufus. Their reunion was filled with smiles, reminiscences, and an undercurrent of old familiarity. However, the conversation took a sober turn when Rufus explained their mission to her.
Serendipity divulged how she had been on earth for centuries, inspiring humans in their creative pursuits, but losing her own divine essence in the process. Humanity’s cynicism had hardened her once pure spirit. Yet, she agreed to help Bethany and her motley crew.
Throughout their discussion, Jay and Silent Bob consistently broke the tension with inappropriate comments and absurd assumptions, injecting a much-needed dose of humor. They questioned Serendipity’s profession, leading to a comical debate about divine inspiration versus human perversion.
Amid the laughter and deep discussions, something changed for Bethany. The inception of a newfound belief flickered in her eyes. Their task was monumental, threats lurking at every corner, yet the faith in their cause was enough to spark a flame of hope.
Just as this moment of epiphany descended, a sound from the entrance snapped them back to reality. An ominous sense of foreboding washed over them as they identified the intruder – Azrael. A tense battle was underway, interspersed with comedic interruptions from Jay and Silent Bob, turning the showdown into a bizarre mix of adventure and comedy.
Within the chaos, Serendipity proved her celestial worth, outwitting Azrael and his minions with her heavenly knowledge and quick wit. Meanwhile, Jay and Silent Bob fumbled with their makeshift weapons, providing an uproarious counterpoint to the high stakes dramatic encounter.
As the dust of the clash settled, the group found a new sense of camaraderie. Their mission was not just a divine obligation anymore, but a personal endeavor. They were the unlikely heroes in this warped cosmic comedy, fighting for the survival of humankind, armed with their faith, humor, and a striptease Muse.
“Muse and Melodies” ended on a high note, setting the stage for the succeeding chapters, where the improbable heroes would face graver challenges, armed with an unwavering faith, and a dash of humor, their most potent weapon. Their journey was both a humorous spectacle and an epic, divine struggle, playing out in the grimy confines of New Jersey, the unlikely backdrop for the eternal battle between Good and Evil. Little did they know, the climax was just around the corner.
Chapter 5: “Gospel of the Gargoyles”
Sunlight painted Gothic silhouettes onto the cobblestones as the pillars of St. Michael’s Church rose high into the twilight. The setting was a glorious sight, an oasis of tranquility amid the industrial hum of New Jersey. Inside the hallowed halls, a tension-laden silence shrouded the place, disrupted occasionally by the faint whisper of ominous prayers.
Loki and Bartleby, with their sobering countenances contrasting their unangelic reputations, stood transfixed. Their eyes flit over the soaring arches and the stunning stained-glass illustrations with a measure of longing – a silent yearning for their lost Heaven. But the devilish sparkle in their eyes spoke volumes of their plot. The plan? To negate Creation itself, a scheme as comedic as it was chillingly apocalyptic.
“We stand at the precipice of our redemption,” Loki philosophized, only to earn a smirk from Bartleby. The latter, ever the pragmatist, retorted, “Overly dramatic, Loki. We’re just exploiting a loophole. Also, precipices are so last millennia.”
Their banter, a blend of sardonic humor and nostalgia, set the stage for their plan’s initiation. Loki, once Heaven’s Angel of Death, wielded his power, an ethereal glow radiating from his palms. The unsuspecting parishioners in the church were hit with a wave of celestial energy. Each of them turned into stunning, albeit horrified, gargoyle-esque statues, a sight that was grotesque, humorous, and captivating – a tableau quite fitting for the two fallen angels.
The effect was instantaneous and wildly chaotic – a burstiness that could only be described as otherworldly. The horrified expressions of the statues seemed almost comical in their permanence, a sight that induced reluctant chuckles from Bartleby, painting the scene in a truly incongruous light.
Yet, remorse quickly replaced Loki’s initial glee. “Maybe this was a mistake,” he pondered aloud, staring at the newly minted gargoyles. “They did nothing to deserve this.” He was an executioner in his past life, but facing the consequences of his actions in such a tangible way was a cold slap of reality. After all, they weren’t cold, lifeless souls but flesh and blood creatures set in stone.
Bartleby, despite his hardened demeanor, sighed. The irony wasn’t lost on him. Here they were, fallen angels, yearning for Heaven but creating Hell in their wake. “Ever the soft one, aren’t you?” he quipped, his eyes betraying an identical regret. Their remorse was a perplexing element, adding a layer of complexity that made the characters more relatable.
Loki, wiping away a tear, rallied himself. “Enough of these nonsensical sentiments,” he declared, a newfound determination in his voice. “This was the first step. Our ticket back. We can’t afford guilt now.” He glanced at the gargoyles one last time, a bitter smile etched onto his face before stepping out into the chilly night air.
Thus, chapter five proves to be a roller coaster of emotions and unexpected reactions from our fallen angels. Loki and Bartleby themselves were carvings of contradictions: remorseful yet resolved, playful yet pitiful. Their journey into redemption was far from straightforward, and readers couldn’t help but turn page after page, captivated by the twisting plotline.
The chapter closes with our fallen angels’ remorseful victory, leaving a trail of beautiful destruction in their wake. The “Gospel of the Gargoyles” sets the stakes high, filling readers with anticipation and dread for the catastrophic climax to come. Their adventure, blending comedy, fantasy and hijinks, showcased a tumultuous mix of feelings, turning the narrative into an engaging, can’t-put-down read.
Chapter 6: “The Holy Hoodwink”
Just as the morning sun blazed its way through the broken blinds of the dingy motel room, Bethany found herself in a state of wonder and confusion. She had become the central figure in a celestial chess game, her existence a thread tying together divine beings and a couple of scruffy prophets. But what she was about to learn would push the limits of her incredulity.
Jay, with his ever-present smirk and wisecracks, was riffing about their last escapade. Silent Bob, true to his name, was quietly observing, a joint hanging from the corner of his mouth. Their casual demeanor, given the gravity of their mission, was oddly comforting and amusing to Bethany, a pleasant distraction from the celestial weight that had been thrust upon her. But she needed answers, she needed to know why she was chosen.
“Okay, guys,” she began with an air of resignation, “Let’s get serious. Why me? I’m a twenty-something woman from New Jersey who manages an abortion clinic. What in the world makes me fit for a divine mission?”
As if on cue, Rufus, the excommunicated 13th apostle, stepped into the room. His nonchalance was unnerving, but his next words sent Bethany’s world into a spiraling turmoil of disbelief and fear.
“You’re not just any woman, Bethany,” Rufus said, his voice calm and unwavering. “You’re the Last Scion, the last living relative of Jesus Christ.”
The room fell into a stunned silence, broken only by Jay’s uproarious laughter. “You’re saying she’s related to the J-man? Does that mean she can turn water into wine?”, he choked out between fits of giggles. Silent Bob rolled his eyes, a wry smile curling on his lips. He nudged Jay to silence him – their antics ensuring bursts of comedy punctuated the gravity of the situation.
Bethany, however, was in shock, her mind racing. Her eyes darted to Rufus, desperate for him to say that it was a prank, a joke. But his gaze was steady, his conviction clear. “Why do you think all these celestial beings are interested in you, Bethany? It’s not random. It’s not a coincidence.”
Bethany felt a strange mixture of fear and exhilaration. This was beyond perplexing, it was downright absurd. She was a descendant of Christ? The idea seemed ridiculous. Yet, she recalled the inexplicable visions, the strange occurrences, and the seraphim that had entered her life. Could it be true?
Panic started to set in. Bethany was just a normal woman, trying to live an ordinary life. How was she supposed to handle the weight of such a revelation? “And what am I supposed to do? I’m not a prophet or a warrior. I can’t fight off angels.”
Silent Bob, in a rare moment of speech, calmly said, “Sometimes, the most ordinary people are forced into extraordinary situations. It’s not about how equipped you are, but what you choose to do with the hand you’re dealt.” His words were underscored by a sense of humanity and warmth, diffusing a bit of the tension in the room.
Jay, never one to miss an opportunity for humor, chimed in. “Yeah, plus we got your back, and we’re pretty badass, so there’s that.” He punched the air, pretending to fight off invisible enemies, bringing a strange sense of comfort and comic relief.
Bethany finally let down her guard, her shoulders slumping. She was still in shock, grappling with the enormity of it all. Yet, she felt a strange sense of resolve. She may not have asked for this battle, but she was in it nonetheless. “Alright,” Bethany finally said, trying to inject some courage into her voice. “Let’s do this.”
As the chapter drew to a close, Bethany found herself at the epicenter of a divine tug-of-war, her lineage making her an integral part of an eternal struggle. Endearing moments of hilarity, provided by Jay and Silent Bob, punctuated the perplexing revelations and grave discussions. The stage was set for the celestial showdown, the fate of humanity hanging by a thread.
Chapter 7: “Of Revelations and Ramifications”
The church loomed in the thick New Jersey fog, its Gothic architecture a stern warning of the looming celestial storm. As the unlikely band of Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, Serendipity, and Rufius stood before it, the gravity of their mission weighed heavily.
“Okay, so we just march in there and stop these winged weasels?” Jay’s words rattled the silence, his irreverent humor slicing through the tension.
Without missing a beat, the muse, Serendipity, retorted, “Yes, because your brute strength and Silent Bob’s verbosity will undoubtedly strike fear into two millennia-old fallen angels.”
Bethany, though slightly amused, was lost in thought. The revelations of the day were still sinking in. She was descended from Christ, thrust into an Armageddon-ish showdown, all because two celestial beings decided to exploit a loophole in Catholic dogma. It was absurd, but then again, was it any more absurd than the rest of her life?
Meanwhile, Rufus, the thirteenth apostle, was taking in the decrepit state of the church. “Man, you’d think after robbing their followers for centuries, they could at least keep the place in decent condition,” he grumbled, his lighthearted derision punctuating the surreal scenario.
As they entered the church, the eerie silence was disturbing. The musty smell of old pews, damp stone, and lingering incense filled the air. The once ornate altar was now desolate, seemingly waiting for the impending storm.
Suddenly, a chorus of laughter echoed through the church. Loki and Bartleby, draped in chic modern garb, lounged in the pews, radiating arrogance. “The grand army of heaven,” Loki smirked, indicating Bethany’s motley crew.
Their cavalier demeanor sparked a wave of defiance in Bethany. She was not going to let two renegade angels end existence as she knew it. With a newfound resolve, she stepped forward, her words a blend of bravado and desperation. “This ends now. You’re not crossing that arch, and you’re not ending existence.”
Her bold proclamation was met with hearty laughter from Bartleby. “And what are you going to do, descendant of Christ? Your halo seems to be missing.”
Fueled by their mockery, what ensued was a surreal blend of the divine and the human, the celestial and the earthly. Each comeback, each confrontation, was loaded with wit, intelligence, lesson, and a healthy dose of sarcasm.
Between Jay’s hilarious misunderstanding of biblical verse, Silent Bob’s unexpected burst of impressive Bible knowledge, Serendipity’s sarcastic retorts, and Rufus’ relentless taunts, their attempts to dissuade Loki and Bartleby from their plans created a comedy show in the midst of an impending apocalypse.
However, amidst the humor and absurdity, profound questions about faith, belief, and divinity surfaced, forcing both the angels and the motley crew to question their actions. Bethany, in particular, was forced to grapple with her beliefs in the face of such revelatory evidence of the divine.
The chapter culminated in a bewitching blend of suspense, anxiety, humor, and existential discourse. As Bethany’s motley crew square off against Loki and Bartleby, the audience is treated to a hilarious yet thought-provoking celestial showdown that forms the heart of the dogma being explored.
As the chapter closed, the stage was set for the climactic showdown. With existence itself on the line, the tension reached a fever pitch, beautifully contrasted by the continuous undercurrent of comedy. In “Of Revelations and Ramifications”, the grand game of celestial chess continued, with humanity hanging in the balance.
Chapter 8: “The Bitter-Sweet Symphony”
From the opening of the chapter, humor danced in harmony with the uncanny as the prophecy inched close to its denouement. The bond between Jay, Silent Bob, and Bethany had grown stronger, their dialogues rich with wit and camaraderie, a comedic counterpoint to the escalating divine drama suffusing their adventure. Then, the plot took an unexpected, earth-shattering turn.
For who could have predicted that the Almighty was trapped in the body of an old man stuck in a coma for decades, tended to by none other than the fallen angels Loki and Bartleby? The writers depicted the scene with a sprinkling of humor as Loki and Bartleby awkwardly tried to provide care, their celestial know-how nothing compared to earthly medical knowledge. The readers were taken on a roller-coaster ride, indulging in hearty laughter one moment and tensed suspense the next.
The omnipotent being, entangled in the frail threads of human life, deepened the layers of the plot, hinting at the absurdity yet profundity of the divine stuck in the mundane. The readers were engrossed, their attention caught between the high stakes unfolding and the comical interludes of Jay and Silent Bob’s clownish debates over divinity.
Meanwhile, Bethany, struggling with her newfound lineage, faced her destiny head-on. Metatron’s revelation that she held the key to freeing God unfolded dramatically. Still, the grave prophecy was lightened by the irksome duo’s quips and jests, ensuring that the narrative continued to echo with laughter amidst the suspense.
The writers took the readers deeper into Bethany’s inner turmoil, weaving complexities around her faith, her lineage, and her responsibility. Her character arc was drawn with the subtlety of an intricate illusionist, yet the comedic undercurrent never waned. Even as she was driven to the edge of despair, the dialogue and plot were punctuated by the comic relief provided by Jay’s ridiculous assumptions about God’s earthly form and Silent Bob’s surprisingly profound insights.
As they drew close to the hospital housing the comatose God, the tension spiked. It was as if the readers were holding their breath, their eyes rapidly skimming through the lines, their hearts pounding in their chests. Just when the suspense was about to explode like a supernova, the narrative took a humorous detour. Jay and Silent Bob’s misadventures with hospital staff momentarily diffused the tension before escalating it anew. This narrative burstiness kept the readers’ attention enthralled, the perfect mix of comedy and adventure ensuring a high degree of engagement.
The chapter ended with Bethany standing at the threshold of the hospital, the sacred relic clutched in her trembling hands, ready to wake God. The sweet symphony of comedy and high-stakes drama played on, setting the stage for the climax of the epic adventure.
Chapter 9: “Awakenings”
Bethany stood there, sweat trickling down her forehead, clutching the sacred relic—the last piece of her faith. The celestial conspiracy had escalated to a degree she had never imagined. The fate of existence, as she had learned, rested within her hands, and perhaps most perplexingly, in the body of a comatose man she barely knew, who now was confirmed to be God.
She took a staggered breath, the absurdity of it all wringing laughs from Silent Bob. The weight of her task echoed in her every heartbeat. Meanwhile, the muse Serendipity, her eyes brimmed with anticipation, held the room’s intense focus. Despite the gravity of the situation, the atmosphere was far from wholly serious. Azrael, the hapless demon, was trying to disentangle himself from Jay’s surprisingly strong grip.
In the corner, Rufus, the 13th apostle, watched everything with an annoyingly nonchalant expression, as though he was used to witnessing the fate of existence hang in the balance. His laid-back demeanor, the humor in an otherwise desperate situation, was a reminder of their epic adventure filled with paradoxes and peculiarities that were at once mind-bending and entertaining.
Bethany took a deep breath, trying not to be distracted by Jay’s spirited debate about whether God enjoyed popcorn or nachos when watching a movie. The moment called for solemnity but the humor, the essence of humanity, was like an uninvited guest, popping up in the least expected places.
Summoning every ounce of her courage, she touched the relic to the man’s forehead. The room fell into a pin-drop silence as they watched the comatose man, God, whatever he was, stir. Then, a loud gasp echoed in the room as his eyes fluttered open, revealing irises so profound and complex they reflected the hues of the cosmos. Bethany stumbled back, her breath catching at the sight. His gaze held the wisdom of the ages and the innocence of a child, it was maddeningly complex yet startlingly simple.
He sat upright, stretching languorously, bringing a hand up to massage his forehead as though awakening from a very long nap. The profound silence was broken as Silent Bob let out an awed whistle. Before Bethany could react, Jay had already thrust a box of popcorn into God’s hand, asking eagerly, “So, did you like popcorn?”
Bethany couldn’t contain her laughter, the sound ringing out pure and unencumbered, cutting through the intensity of the past few moments. She laughed until her sides ached, until she fell to her knees, clutching her stomach. The others, even the newly awakened God, joined in, their laughter echoing off the high arches of the church, introducing an element of hilarity in the midst of the complex, bizarre narrative.
A moment of healing, a moment of pause, as the plotline wound around them, tightening like a noose. Yet despite the gravity, laughter, the essence of human resilience, thrived amidst them, like a stubborn weed in an untended garden.
A sigh escaped God, filled with a sort of world-weary contentment. As he munched on the popcorn, he waved a hand, and the seemingly shattered laws of existence started resetting themselves like a complicated puzzle magically coming together. The cosmos breathed a sigh of relief.
And so, in the heartlands of New Jersey, the fate of existence, hanging by a thread, was saved by an unsuspecting woman, a gang of would-be prophets, a muse, an apostle, and a handful of laughter. Their adventure, laced with wit, comedy, and enigma, was far from over, but for now, they basked in the victory of their endeavor and the sheer complexity of their existence. Because sometimes, not even God can resist a good popcorn joke.
Chapter 10: “Triumphant Troubadours”
It was a day filled with the weight of expectancy, the air heavy with a mix of absolute finality and new beginnings. The scene outside St. Michael’s church was a contrasting canvas of the ordinary and the supernatural – commuters hustling by, nuns hurrying into the sacred building, angels and humans poised for a celestial showdown.
The task at hand was no light matter. They were to foil the devious plot of Loki and Bartleby, who were on the brink of triggering an apocalypse. Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, Rufus, and Serendipity had formed an unlikely fellowship all with the aim of saving existence itself. Comedic duos and divine beings – an arrangement that had the humor echoing off the church walls and the tension undulating like a live wire.
As the dusk began to devour the day, so did the chaos outside the church escalate. Metatron stood firm, resolute, his angelic countenance illuminated in the dim light. In contrast, Jay and Silent Bob were a flurry of gestures and rapid-fire speech, their comedic banter a stark contrast against the grave backdrop.
“Looks like end times, dude,” Jay said. Silent Bob responded with an exaggerated shrug, his silent commentary as comedic and spot-on as ever. Bethany, with her newfound divine lineage, bit her lower lip, anxiety etched on her face. Rufus and Serendipity exchanged worried glances, their divine intuition hinting at the battle that lay ahead.
Their plan was simple but filled with complications. They were to use the sacred relic, the Metatron’s Horn, to wake God from her human, comatose vessel. The act, theoretically, would reboot creation and stop the apocalypse.
As the church bell tolled, announcing their final hour, the showdown began. Bartleby and Loki, drenched in mortal melancholy and celestial hope, stepped onto the hallowed grounds. The echoes of their fallen angelic laughter resonated through the church, grappling with the somber silence that dared to oppose it.
Just as they stepped forward, Rufus leaped into action, his courage as poignant as the comedy that spiced up his personality. A chaotic ballet ensued – a dance of the divine and the human. Jay and Silent Bob, with their slapstick humor and unexpected bravery, added a touch of levity to the almost holy scene.
Meanwhile, Bethany mustered her last ounce of strength and blew the Metatron’s Horn – a sound that split the evening air, echoed off the buildings, and reached the deepest corners of the cosmos. And then – silence.
Slowly, the woman who housed God stirred, her eyes fluttering open to reveal the divine residing within her. A gasp rippled through the crowd, a wave of awe and disbelief. The balance tilted – from despair to hope, from comedy to suspense, from human to divine.
A soft, divine laughter punctuated the silence. God had awakened, and with her, existence received a fresh lease on life. There was a collective sigh of relief among our heroes, their faces lighting up with joy and hope. The climactic, tension-filled scene took on a comedic twist as Jay and Silent Bob began an impromptu victory dance, their jubilation infectious.
As the moon, round and pale, rose in the cosmic tapestry, Loki and Bartleby found themselves transported back to Heaven, their laughter echoing empty promises and lost chances. The air seemed to shimmer with the aftermath of their divine escapade, leaving everyone with a sense of relief and accomplishment.
The final celebrations were a cacophony of laughter and lessons, the heady mix of human and divine, comedy and adventure, underlining their wild journey. As triumphant troubadours, they had faced down the apocalypse with wit to spare, proving that even in the face of cosmic chaos, laughter was truly the best balm.
Existence continued – absurd, ordinary, and comedic in its immeasurable grandeur. Yet, at the heart of it all was the bond formed among this unlikely group – the eternal dance between cynics and innocents, comedians and celestial beings. Their laughter echoed into the night, a triumphant symphony that signaled the end of one adventure and the beginning of countless others.
Some scenes from the movie Dogma written by A.I.
Scene 1
INT. BETHANY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Bethany, 30s, weary but resilient, sits alone, surrounded by piles of work documents. Suddenly, a bright light fills the room.
BETHANY
(spooked)
What the…?
Metatron, an affable angel in a suit, appears. Bethany is startled.
METATRON
(smiling)
Fear not, Bethany.
BETHANY
(frantic)
Who…who are you?
METATRON
(chuckles)
Names aren’t important. Your destiny is.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Loki, a rebellious, fallen angel, and Bartleby, his wise yet cynical companion, plot their return to Heaven.
LOKI
(excited)
It’s almost time, Bartleby!
BARTLEBY
(skeptical)
You sure this loophole exists, Loki?
LOKI
(confident)
It does in New Jersey!
CUT TO:
EXT. ALLEYWAY – MORNING
Bethany stands outside a convenience store, confused and scared. She bumps into the eccentric prophets, JAY and SILENT BOB.
JAY
(boasting)
Yo, babe! We’re the chosen ones!
Silent Bob nods, a comical contrast to Jay’s loud demeanor.
BETHANY
(chuckles)
Of course you are.
FADE OUT.
Scene 2
INT. BETHANY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bethany stares at the ceiling, lost in thought. An ANGELIC CHORUS builds in the background.
EXT. NEW JERSEY STREET – NIGHT
Bethany walks alone, bundled up against the chill. Suddenly, JAY and SILENT BOB appear from the shadows.
JAY
(grinning)
Yo! You look like you saw a ghost.
Bethany ignores him, but Jay keeps pace with her.
JAY
(laughs)
I’m just messing with ya. Names’ Jay, this is my
hetero life-mate, Silent Bob.
Silent Bob waves sheepishly. Suddenly, a bright light shines down on them, METATRON, an angel, appears, his wings spread wide.
METATRON
(smiling)
Greetings. Fear not!
BETHANY
(scared)
Holy… What… Who are you?
METATRON
I am Metatron, the voice of the One True God.
Jay falls to his knees, Bob follows suit. Bethany looks around, incredulous.
JAY
(whispering)
Dude, we’re like… prophets or something.
FADE OUT.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Scene 3
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Dusty, old-school bar filled with REGULARS. BETHANY enters, cautious, followed by JAY and SILENT BOB.
Bethany spots the DEMON AZRAEL at the bar. She approaches.
BETHANY
(whispering)
There he is.
JAY
(loudly)
Where, yo?
Bethany shushes him. They move closer.
AZRAEL, a dapper gentleman with a sneaky smile, sips his drink. He notices them approach.
AZRAEL
(smirks)
I was wondering when you’d show up.
BETHANY
(defiant)
We’re here to stop you.
AZRAEL
(amused)
And how do you plan to do that?
Suddenly, three minions with hockey sticks burst in. They look comically serious. The bar falls into chaos.
JAY
(excited)
Hockey fight, man!
Silent Bob rolls his eyes.
EXT. BACK ALLEY – NIGHT
Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob and Azrael’s minions have a comedic, chaotic “fight,” where Jay’s comedic timing and Silent Bob’s silent slapstick humor shine through.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob return, victorious. They’ve beaten the minions, but Azrael has disappeared.
BETHANY
(beat)
We’ve lost him.
Jay and Silent Bob pant heavily, nursing bruises with grins on their faces.
FADE OUT.
Scene 4
INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
Bethany, a woman in her thirties with a strong, serious demeanour, enters. She is accompanied by Jay, a fast-talking, joke-cracking compatriot, and Silent Bob, his quiet, brooding friend. Rufus, an unassuming man in outdated clothing also accompanies them.
They spot SERENDIPITY, a witty, enigmatic woman who commands the stage with her radiant charisma.
JAY
(whistles)
Look at that, Silent Bob, it’s heaven on Earth!
BETHANY
(frowns)
We’re not here to gawk, Jay. We need information.
They approach Serendipity when she’s done performing.
BETHANY (CONT’D)
(awkwardly)
Uh… Serendipity, right? We… Uh… Need your help.
SERENDIPITY
(smiles mysteriously)
Did Metatron send you?
RUFUS
(surprised)
You know Metatron?
SERENDIPITY
(laughs)
Honey, everyone in this business knows Metatron.
JAY
(indignantly)
Hey, I didn’t know!
SERENDIPITY
(turns to Bethany)
How can I help you, dear?
Bethany takes a deep breath and starts explaining their mission.
FADE OUT. TO BE CONTINUED…
Scene 5
INT. CAFE – DAY
JAY, a slapdash prophet, and SILENT BOB, his silent partner, argue. BETHANY, a disenchanted woman, looks on in disbelief. In the corner, RUFUS, an odd apostle, and SERENDIPITY, a fallen muse, sip their coffees.
JAY
(whispering)
I tell you, these Stone Age fruits ain’t nothin’. Those angels are up to something.
BETHANY
(sighing)
Can we focus on stopping Loki and Bartleby?
RUFUS
(looking thoughtful)
She’s right, Jay. We need a plan.
SERENDIPITY
(smiling)
Got an idea. We just need you all to…distract them.
EXT. CHURCH – DAY
LOKI, a former angel, and BARTLEBY, his reformed demon buddy, stand outside a church. Their plan at hand, a mischievous grin spreads across their faces.
LOKI
(laughs)
Ready for some redemption, Bartleby?
BARTLEBY
(with a smirk)
After you, Loki.
Suddenly, a group of STREET PERFORMERS, oddly resembling our protagonists, starts a noisy act across the street. Loki and Bartleby look confused, distracted.
INT. CHURCH – DAY
Jay and Silent Bob sneak in, their mission to stop the angels’ plan in motion. Antics ensue as they comically bumble about, knocking over items, and causing a quiet chaos.
JAY
(whispering)
Silent Bob, that’s why they call it ‘Mission Impossible’.
SILENT BOB
(silent shrug)
FADE OUT as Jay and Silent Bob continue with their “impossible” mission to save mankind, promising the audience more laughter and suspense in the scenes to come.
Scene 6
INT. DINER – NIGHT
Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, Rufus, and Serendipity sit in a worn-out diner, the buzz of the neon sign cutting through the silence.
RUFUS
(to Bethany)
You’re the Last Scion, Bethany. You’re a descendant of Christ.
BETHANY
(in shock)
What? That’s… ridiculous!
Jay chokes on his coffee, eyes wide.
JAY
(laughs)
Holy sh*t, dude! You’re like… Jesus but not Jesus! You’re… She-sus!
Silent Bob facepalms, shaking his head.
SERENDIPITY
Chuckling, she looks at Bethany,
Not She-sus, Jay. She’s a Scion. A very important part of the divine plan.
Bethany sits in stunned silence, staring at her half-eaten pie.
BETHANY
Can I just go back to being a nobody? I barely have my own life together…
Rufus places a comforting hand on her shoulder, a soft smile gracing his lips.
RUFUS
You may want to be a nobody, but the universe needs you to be a somebody.
Slow pull out as everyone stands around the table, staring at Bethany. The weight of the world has landed on her shoulders, and her companions can only offer their unwavering support.
FADE OUT.
Scene 7
INT. JERSEY CHURCH – NIGHT
The church’s doors CREAK open. BETHANY, JAY, SILENT BOB, RUFUS and SERENDIPITY quietly enter, the moonlight casting long shadows on their faces. The soft AMBER GLOW of the candles illuminates the church.
SERENDIPITY
(whispering)
Remember, we’re trying to avoid a confrontation.
JAY
(smirking)
Don’t worry, we got this. Right, Bob?
Silent Bob nods, his face serious under his loose hood.
Suddenly, a LOW GROWL echoes through the church. AZRAEL, the sulking demon, steps from the shadows, followed by his MINIONS carrying hockey sticks.
AZRAEL
(smirks)
Well, well, well… The would-be saviors.
BETHANY
(defiant)
We won’t let you go through with this, Azrael.
Azrael LAUGHS, a chortling, demonic sound that reverberates in the hallowed halls.
Suddenly, LOKI and BARTLEBY step forward from the shadows, their faces filled with DETERMINATION and a tinge of REMORSE.
LOKI
(smirks at Azrael)
They’re not alone.
A comedic mix of CONFUSION, SURPRISE, and DETERMINATION takes over everyone’s faces, anticipating the showdown that’s about to begin, ending the scene on a SURPRISING and SUSPENSEFUL note.
FADE OUT.
Scene 8
INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT
A dimmed room with just the MONOTONE BEEPING of life support machines. BETHANY (early 30s, smart, skeptical) and JAY (late 20s, scruffy, foul-mouthed) stand by the bed of a COMATOSE MAN.
BETHANY
(whispering)
He’s God?
JAY
(nods)
Hard to believe, right?
Bethany shakes her head, looking at the MAN.
BETHANY
(murmuring to herself)
God… in New Jersey?
Jay shrugs, then starts putting snacks on the life support machines’ surfaces.
BETHANY
(sternly)
Jay! You can’t use God as a snack table.
Jay looks taken aback, accidentally drops a chip bag.
Suddenly, METATRON (50s, distinguished-looking) enters, carrying a small, ANCIENT-LOOKING RELIC.
METATRON
(smiling)
Ah, I see you’ve met our divine figurehead.
Jay looks confused.
JAY
(pointing)
This guy? He hasn’t moved once.
Metatron chuckles.
METATRON
He’s God, Jay, not a puppet show.
Bethany looks at the relic Metatron carries.
BETHANY
(apprehensive)
What’s that?
METATRON
It’s the relic. The tool that can wake up our Divine Majesty.
Bethany takes the relic, holding it with reverence. She stares at the comatose man with a newfound determination.
BETHANY
(whispering)
Alright… let’s save the world.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Scene 9
INT. IN A DIMLY LIT HOSPITAL ROOM – NIGHT
Bethany, Jay, Silent Bob, Rufus, and Serendipity stand around a comatose man, revealed to be the vessel of GOD. The room is tense and eerily silent but for the soft BEEPING of the heart monitor.
BETHANY
(softly, to the comatose man)
We’ve been looking for you in the wrong places all along…
Jay steps forward, looking puzzled, and turns to Silent Bob.
JAY
Dude, we’re saving God from a Jersey hospital? This is some trippy sh*t, man!
Silent Bob simply shrugs and observes the scene, a wry smile playing on his lips. Rufus steps forward, handing Bethany a sacred relic.
RUFUS
Bethany, this rests in your hands. You need to wake Him up and save existence.
Bethany takes a deep breath, with the weight of the world on her shoulders. She takes the relic and approaches the comatose man, kneeling beside him.
BETHANY
(concentrated, whispering)
Remember who you are…Remember your existence…
She touches the relic gently to him. A celestial light floods the room and everybody shields their eyes. As the light dims, they see the comatose man stir. God, in the form of an elder woman, emerges from the previously lifeless body. She looks around, confused.
GOD
Did I miss something?
As the room erupts into laughter and relief, the viewers are left anticipating what will happen next, the penultimate twist adding to the suspense, with the humor maintaining the charm of the narrative.
